this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
