shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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