whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
