I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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