watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize