Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
