I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
