Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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