I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
