we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
