Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize