if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
