I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
