There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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