So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
