Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
