I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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