it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
