If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
where am i from again
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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