My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
