I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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