I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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