There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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