Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
