I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
why does every cop we meet know your name?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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