I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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