Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
