Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
