I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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