I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
and i looked up. we had an audience...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
