i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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