the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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