My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
