How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
