Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
