I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize