This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I party with great urgency now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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