my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
