someone threw a dead crab at me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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