you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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