She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Randomize
