So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
