my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you would pick up someone in the library
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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