Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
