Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
