So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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