Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
