Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We need to get me chipped asap
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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