I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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