Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
nutella sex= disaster
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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