my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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