I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
