Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
