My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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