I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
