I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
