That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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