dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
