When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so let's talk penis.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
