Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
