Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
