Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
