Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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