OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
