i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
