That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
