3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You ruined the universe
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
